The first tooth I lost
fell to the kitchen floor.
I lay my cheek on the cold tile
peering under mahogany cabinets
and cushioned chairs until I found it,
nestled between a long lost cheerio and the table leg.
I picked it up as a jeweler would a diamond,
held it up for all to see.
When night fell
and the tooth fairy was set to come,
I hid the tooth not under my heart shaped pillow
guarded by my army of fuzzy friends,
but in my secret hiding place,
where the dresser didn’t quite meet the wall
not even a fairy could find it.
No one could take it away from me.
Even for a quarter.
-Updated 4/15/18
This poem reminds me of the memory poem in some ways. I think it's well written, and has some really good lines that stuck out to me. For example, "guarded by my army of fuzzy friends." I really liked the imagery of that line, and it made me laugh a little bit, not sure if it was supposed to evoke laughter. The poem as a whole was short and sweet. I thought it was interesting that this child clearly believed in the tooth fairy, and therefore wanted to hide it from him/her, but also found the tooth to be monumental, and important, clearly showing a sense of intellect. I think that there are little words that could be taken out to give a better flow to the poem. "and held it up for all to see," I read that line without the word "and" and it sounded much musical. But I think that it's written very well, and the imagery was really good. I felt like I was you, and trying to find my tooth under the cabinets. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this poem. It is a snippet from childhood that is extremely relatable. I especially love the analogy that you use - "as a jeweler would a diamond." A child cherishes what she cherishes and noone can take that away. I even love the message that some things are just more valuable than money. I think the words "and" and "but" that start their respective lines could be removed for a cleaner sound.
ReplyDeleteLove this! I like the opening- especially how the second line "falls" from the first like the teeth. Great imagery of "cheek against cold tile floor". Ending is brilliant, different than I was expecting. I actually think you could take out the "heart-shaped" and "army of fuzzy friends"- I'm a fan of keeping the imagery about you and the tooth. Cool piece!
ReplyDeleteThis is an awesome poem! The strong imagery brought me back to when I guarded my lost teeth zealously (though I admit that I loved sticking them under the pillow in exchange for a dollar and then sneaking into my parents drawer to get them back...).Because the language is so strong, I would suggest removing some adjectives that don't add to the meaning of the poem. For example, the poem would be just as powerful and more concise if you wrote "I lay my cheek on the tile/ searching under cabinets". That way, the reader could insert his or herself in the poem-- we'll feel it even if you don't tell us because the voice of the poem is so authoritative that it implies it.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is so good. The imagery brings me back to the first time I lost my tooth and I insisted that if I stuck my tooth under my pillow on Shabbat, I would get special presents! I think the part where you compare a tooth to a diamond is so accurate to losing your tooth for the first time. Great job Rachel!
ReplyDeleteI also enjoyed this little poem. The imagery is clear and crisp, the scene is recognizable and relatable, and the tone is light and whimsical. I can see why so few above offered suggestions for improvement. The poem does feel comfortable in its form, and it realizes what it sets out to do.
ReplyDeleteOne particularly visual line is "I picked it up as a jeweler would a diamond." That clearly portrays the posture of the speaker in a way that really pops to life in your mind.
"Even for a quarter" is also strong, because it so clearly portrays that mindset of a child, when a quarter seems like so much money.
The things I noticed that could use editing are minor. I didn't understand the use of a semi-colon at the end of line five. I think "peering" is more visual than "searching" in line four, and finally, I wanted an image of the secret hiding place mentioned toward the end.
This is probably your most clearly and naturally realized poem so far for the class. Nice work.