The pull in your stomach
as you begin to fall.
The wind screams in your ears
as gravity grabs you
into its embrace.
The tug of your shoulders as wings
black as cinder, light as the sun’s rays
stretch out from your shoulder blades,
like a butterfly from a cocoon.
stretching towards the heavens.
And you soar.
The clouds part before you as you own the sky
turning and wheeling with the hawks.
Fighting gravity. Fighting time.
The summit of your youth flashes by as you soar higher still.
Surmounting your past.
But like paper to flame, your wings crumble to mourners ash
as the sun greets you with the heat of the day.
The smoke fills your nose, the ash your eyes.
You turn and wheel but the hawks are gone.
Blue above and below as they merge.
Fear pulls your stomach
as you begin to fall.
-Updated 5/3/2018
This is a beautiful image and I love that it isn't clear that it is discussing Icarus until the end because the ambiguity leaves room for personal application and then once you have that personal application you are forced to see how flying too close to the sun can be apropos to that as well. My main comment is really just that some of the line breaks don't feel deserved. Because a break is a pause and like in acting I feel pauses need to be earned sometimes it feels the line break ups are just random. In general I think its great
ReplyDeleteI read this as a metaphor for the life cycle, from birth to death, and I really like the clever simplicity and depth to that. I actually like the pauses: the line breaks and choppy phrases gave me the impression of falling fast and things flashing through my mind. I would maybe change the phrasing of the line "rising higher than before" to match the cleverness of the others. Really impressive!
ReplyDeleteI love how simple, but vidid the list of images are in the beginning of the poem."The pull in your stomach as you begin to fall.The roar of the wind in your ears as gravity pulls you into its greedy embrace."
ReplyDeleteI really like the ambiguity of this piece. It pulls the reader in, and it made me want to keep reading. I was really curious as to how you were going to end it, or where the poem would leave me. I felt like it was a big set up in a sense, and then did not end as powerfully as it started.I understand how the end is clearly referring to Icarus, but I think that I was waiting to hear more. But overall, really good job. I loved reading this poem.
This poem is neat, elegant, concise, descriptive, accurate. Good job.
ReplyDeleteI like how you made it clear that this poem is referencing the Icarus myth without directly mentioning his name.
The only suggestion I have is to remove "Then" from "Then the pull of your shoulders". It threw me off. Plus, if you start with "the", you'll be continuing the pattern you set up in the beginning of the poem. Unless, you meant to jar the reader. Without "then", the poem reads much smoother.
I understood that this is a metaphor for the ups and downs in life, without the hint from the title (which, by the way, is a very clever metaphor - I never looked at the Icarus myth in this light). Maybe, try a less revealing title? It's more fun to read the poem without being primed with this key info. But, that's just my personal preference.
I enjoyed your poem describing a flight as a metaphor for life. It packs a lot into a small amount of lines.
ReplyDeleteI liked the decision to use second person and present tense--it really puts the reader in the position of being inside the poem. Something that I think would be helpful to strengthen the reader's sense of being inside th experience would be adding more specific sensory details.
The first two lines already hook the reader in--and "the pull in your stomach" really captures that falling sensation. You start by telling us how we feel--and it works.
There are other places where I think it would be interesting to use sensory images again--like instead of "gravity claims you once again," maybe a different way to once again describe the sensation of falling? I like the sensory angle of "the roar of the wind in your ears"--though perhaps describing wind in the ears as a "roar" is used enough that it might be more interesting to use a different sound comparison. Instead of "you soar," maybe--again--describe it through how the body feels soaring, or what it sees, or how it looks from the outside...
I liked the personification of gravity "pulls you into its greedy embrace."
I notice the word "pull" appears a lot--"pull in your stomach" "gravity pulls" "pull of your shoulders." Is this intentional? Even so you might want to consider varying it.
I think there are other places, though, that you might actually want to think smaller. Instead of saying "wings stretch towards the heavens," maybe describe how the wings look, or even just how they look as they start to sprout out of the shoulders. Instead of "rising higher than before," describe their starting point, and then describe it flashing past their eyes as they rise higher. Instead of "your wings turn to ash," maybe desribe the wings crumbling, or the ash falling...describe how it feels, so close to the sun--is it warm? blistering? Can you smell the feathers burning?
I realize those are a lot of ideas, probably most of them nonsense, but I think it would be interesting to play around with what happens if you shift description modes a bit. Maybe it would destroy the poem. Maybe not!
As a side point, would you consider changing the title? It's definitely to the point--but maybe a bit too direct.
I love how it is clearly stated-- a shift from the feeling of fear to having the feeling of power and taking control of ones self in this poem. The words, "fighting gravity, fighting time" definitely spoke to me. From this poem I interpreted the message to be that as much as we as individuals would like to be in full control, time consumes us and sooner or later we are all going to fall.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I really appreciate the direct focus and simplicity of the Title! Life is but only a metaphor!
DeleteI like the title and the simplistic length of this poem. What I really liked was but your wings turn to ash
ReplyDeleteas you reach the sun
and gravity claims you
once again.
That is a nice metaphor for death.
I think some more vivid description and more "show" than "tell" would really enhance your poem.
Well done!
This poem has a clean and classical feel to it. As with classical poetry, it uses a famous story from myth, and it presents the story with spare dignity.
ReplyDeleteThere is little waste here. The poem's sense of balance integrates its own "small words" so that they feel necessary. The symmetrical lines feel musically measured. Still, it could be just a little bit longer, I think.
Some parts are certainly fresher and more alive than others. Here are some energetic passages with original elements that make them effective: "gravity pulls you / into its greedy embrace" "the pull [<--I would change this to "tug"] of your shoulders as wings /stretch towards the heavens" "gravity claims you"
Here are some parts that are not as fresh: "roar of the wind" (wind always seems to "roar" doesn't it?) "rising higher than before"
Later in the class, we will be looking at two "Icarus" poems based on a painting, and I think you will be interested.
I agree with Avigayil about the repetitiveness of your use of the word "pull."
Generally speaking, rollercoasters seem like a dead metaphor to express anxiety but you revamped its meaning making it such an enjoyable read. You also used mythology in your poem which we are supposed to be cautious of however, I enjoyed its use in the poem. I think the word "pull" may have been used slightly too often. Overall I really enjoyed it!
ReplyDelete