The snap of twig against twig
lent music to the hushed night
as the birds rested their voices
for tomorrow.
They whispered for me to rise and sing,
to join their night time orchestra
on the star spangled stage.
To dance my bow across the strings of the violin,
Like shooting stars across the black abyss.
To beat the melody of gravity against the drum of the earth.
To twirl in the rays of the moon.
But my blanket held me captive in its tangles
and my feathered pillow drowned their call.
And sleep locked the door.
-Updated 5/3/18
A very simple, beautiful, and musical poem
ReplyDeleteI don't have much to say, just because I feel it largely speaks for itself
A few thoughts:
Is "star spangles" intentional, or was it meant to be
"star spangled"?
I think "hushed night air" is a little adjective-cluttered--maybe leave it at "hushed night" or "hush of night"?
Also, I'm of two minds about "tangled embrace"--it's a strong image, but maybe leave it as "tangles"--just because the image of an embrace doesn't fit so well with the rest of the nature/night/music imagery
Very strong ending--and I enjoyed the personification
The last line, like the poem, is simple but musical
This is a nice little poem about sleep and wanting to stay in bed! I really appreciated the way you made a distinction between the songs of the day (birds chirping) and the songs of the night. I like how you related these sounds to an orchestra.
ReplyDeleteI liked this line: "But my blanket held me captive in its tangled embrace" - I'd drop the word tangled. It's unnecessary.
Strong ending.
This poem has a very peaceful kind of tone, I enjoyed reading it.
ReplyDeleteA few minor things I want to say-
'star spangles stage' - very clever and this line is really working
'held me captive in its tangled'- I feel that the word captive implies tangled, so no need for that word.
I like the overall personification of the poem, you are really bringing the characters to life.
The poem ends off with strong line in its own stanza , and that works well. Nice job!
"The snap of twig against twig
ReplyDeletelent music to the hushed night
as the birds rested their voices
for tomorrow."
I just love this image and the depiction of birds resting the voices for the next morning
"They whispered for me to rise and sing,
to join their night time orchestra
on the star spangled stage."
So as i read this again i get this stanza though initially i was a little confused. the star spangled stage is the night sky i assume. I have 2 question; 1) who is the they and 2) are the beckoning you to sing bc in the next stanza youre playing the violin. In general i love this and i think i fall more in love w this poem stanza by stanza and read by read. its just so soothing
"To dance my bow across the strings of the violin,
Like shooting stars across the black abyss."
i love this imagery.
"To beat the melody of gravity against the drum of the earth,
To twirl in the rays of the moon."
so i love the plays on word about instruments throughout this piece. Im just wondering what drums have to do with twirling?
"But my blanket held me captive in its embrace
and my feathered pillow drowned their call.
And sleep locked the door."
I love this bc i like that the intense imagery is carried through even when brought back to reality but i was kind of confused bc i thought this poem was depicting a dream had once the birds were sleeping bc all the music is in such grand and regal imagery but this stanza implies the narrator couldnt take part in this dream bc they were literally dreaming instead of metaphorically doing so?
in general i love this poem and your use of imagery and im actually writing this comment at night and t just makes me want to curl up in bed with a soft blanket and wander off into a soothing and magical dream of beautiful and great things