The window stood witness over summer's green grass where children play,
over the house’s brick facade, promising warm fires to melt winter’s toes
over a mother’s morning embraces more enticing than coffee
over bright eyed smiles lighting up the house
over chicken soup bubbling when fevers ran high
over brown paper lunch bags on the first day of school.
But now they stand witness to nighttime smokes
and raised voices in the kitchen
and lonely meals
and pillows muffling sobs.
The grass is turning brown.
-Updated 5/3/18
I love this poem so much. I LOVE the parallel of what will be occurring inside the building. It's really sweet, and simple, but also sophisticated and intelligent. It captures a lot of emotions. I also love the last line: the color change of the grass. Great way to tie it all together. but maybe "the grass is turning brown" instead of "growing." that word threw me off a little bit, not sure why. I loved this overall.
ReplyDeleteIt took me a few reads to begin to understand what this poem is about but I love the powerful effect of the simplicity once I got it. It is unfortunate that it doesn't stop after the first half but obviously that is what makes the second half all the more powerful. The Disney set up for the Grimm Brothers version of the fairy tale. I'm such a fan.
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand this poem the first time I read it.However, when reading it the second time I realized how much I understand and appreciate it. I loved the last line and the simplicity of the entire poem overall. You never rhymed unnecessarily and I loved when you said "and silent meals and pillow tears." You really capture the situation perfectly.
ReplyDeleteI like the interesting choice of simplicity as an artistic device- I think its okay to make the reader work a bit to read your poetry (although I'm not sure if that changes in blogging culture). I love love that you open and close with grass. You did a great job of show don't tell- instead of telling us relationships are decaying, "the grass is turning brown", etc. The rhythm of the poem is also excellent- starting out with a long line, followed by short, and using another long to signify the transition. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI love how simple this is - it takes a few readings to understand what is happening, but I love that you need to look between the lines to figure out what the true meaning of the poem is. I think that maybe you could've expanded on both the happy and the sad parts, but this is great! Awesome job!
ReplyDeleteWow! In so few words, you really put together a pretty substantial narrative. I love it! I wouldn't mind a drop more description in lines like "and weekend fights".. what does that mean? I really like it, and I would love to read more!
ReplyDeleteThis poem has a terrific opening line, and I just adore it. What a vivid and original way to portray a lawn sprinkler. I love it. Those pop-up lawn sprinklers that rotate are exactly like turrets, but I had never thought of it until you wrote that line. It's brilliant.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't really matter to me if that is what you meant. You might have meant brickfront houses, but since they are not cylinder-shaped like turrets and pop-up sprinklers, I see sprinklers.
I just want more lines like that. You clearly have the ability to create vivid images.
But so many of the others are so basic and flat:
and morning hugs
and laughter
and packed lunches
and dinner on the stove.
Um, OK, but can you work a little harder there? Those are all warm and homey things, but poems usually try to bring them to life a little, like you so brilliantly do in your awesome first line.
So what I would love to see is more poetry, more lines like the first one that use the tools of poetry, in this case metaphor, to bring the poem to life. You can do it!